“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Great Canadian literature.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.