Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C: Have a nice day
Them: So I’m really into Tolstoy…
Me: Oh cool! I’ve got something you’d like then. Which one’s your favourite? Or all of them?
Them: Oh I like all his writing to be honest
Me: *hastily shoving a Buzz Lightyear toy back into my bag* OHHHH, yeah me too I guess…
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”