@timdonakowski

“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend

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@LeviathanPride

Kim Jong Un is 30, runs a dictatorship, executes ex-girlfriends, and openly threatens to annihilate the US. What am I doing with MY life?

@KielyHealey

I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.

@ddsmidt

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

@ByrdMan0914

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

@ACartoonCat

*first date*

Them: So I’m really into Tolstoy…

Me: Oh cool! I’ve got something you’d like then. Which one’s your favourite? Or all of them?

Them: Oh I like all his writing to be honest

Me: *hastily shoving a Buzz Lightyear toy back into my bag* OHHHH, yeah me too I guess…

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”