“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
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VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
“Coming this summer, the exciting movie you’ve been waiting for!” – Teaser trailer
“You call those tires? You couldn’t haul a kitten, you wimp!” – Trailer teaser
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.