you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Maths meets science
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
Aight bet
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?