Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point

There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.

Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?

Probably just poor graphic design…

Still not gonna drink from it.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

[cat adoption agency]

Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*

Me: What the hell?

Counselor: You’re not ready

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

have we given a name to earth’s mini moon? may i suggest moon deng

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.

Me: Ready to brush your hair?

2-year-old: No!

Me: Why not?

2: I’m a fish!

Me:

2:

Me:

2:

Me: You win this round.

Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.