you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
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{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.