– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
#SaturdayBears
