– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
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U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
🤣🤣🤣
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Yup.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime