You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
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Breaking news:
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…