You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Guy: what do you know about crypto
Me: that’s a DC villain, right?
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
*puts cutlery down*
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.