You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
This seems like peak sibling energy
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.