You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.