You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
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I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Me when I hear gossip
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.