You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO