You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Me in tagged photos
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
#ProTip
I stand by it
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable