You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Good morning
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.