you gotta be faster
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.