You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
You Might Also Like
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Wife: “What did your teacher remember about September 11th?”
Nine-year-old: “She was only four then, she doesn’t remember it at all.”
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body