Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

[watching basketball]

I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.

And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?