You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

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I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.


Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.


Twitter: she’s on to us

Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you

Twitter: I’m just an app

Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh


I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.


It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…


4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.


I only drink to forget that my 4 year old daughter has an iPad Touch and I have to ask for her help when it’s my turn to play on it.