You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.