Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?

I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Friend: I grew as a person

Me: Did you molt?

Friend: What?

Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?

Friend:

Me: Can I see it?

When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Multitask? I can barely unitask

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

Eleven out of ten people are stupid.

Lmao the reply

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!