“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
reminder
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
