“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Smooooooth
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
