“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there