Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
#gardening
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.