Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

Does it…does it take 3 days

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.

Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news

CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor

FOOD HACK: If you are at a restaurant tell the server “I would like two beers and fries” and they will bring you an order of fries and also two beers. This works at most restaurants.

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.