You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
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Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
How all things should be taught/explained.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.