“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
i hate when food packaging makes a big deal about “no msg” what if i want msg. did we all forget msg tastes good
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Just cringing at the memory of saying goodbye to my friend after a coffee, they said “enjoy the rest of your day” and I replied, “you too, have fun!”
They were going to a funeral.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?