Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?

Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.

Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Good morning!

If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.

DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!

I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her

How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?

Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Spent the evening varnishing my Grandparents dining room floor. Here’s a list of things they offered me in the three hours I was there…