Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home

wife: what happened to you?

me: I met a celebrity this morning

wife: and….

[earlier at the car wash]

optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?

Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time

interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?

me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it