“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
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“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Me, reading some of your tweets
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.