Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.

She wrote it down. 📝😭

He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Wake me when AI does housework

When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

Her: you’re in no state to drive

Me: Jesus will take the wheel

Jesus: can’t… drunk

Me: but you were only ordering water all night

Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning

moses: 🙂

ramses: oh you son of a-

Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”

*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date

Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?

Executioner: Ugh the WORST

after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.