you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
You Might Also Like
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?