You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
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You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
If you had purchased extra tape a month ago, then put it away in a safe place until it was time to wrap presents, where–hypothetically–might that have been
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way