Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.

*bursts into starbucks*

Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET

Barista: yeah over there

Me: oh thank god

*plugs in a mechanical bull*

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.

Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?

I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie

{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.

Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

HR: Can you explain this??

Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…