Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.

30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.

40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?

ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.

HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

Oh thanks BBC.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”