Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”

– Midnight, a church friend

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?

Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.

My Plans:

Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.

Today I’m golfing.

Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.

Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”

I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.