Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

[House hunters]

Pigs: we’d really love a brick house

Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

(First date)

Her: I like men who take charge.

Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!

Onion rings.

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!

A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

As the Lord intended

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

😭😭😭

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”