You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
These 3D printers are insane!
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.