You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
[in court during a murder trial]
hotdog vendor: HOOTTT DOOGGG
me: right here
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
A little too much information.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me