Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

My age is news to me every single time I remember

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.

There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.

No laws when master is gone

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all

*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.