The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
this is me
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.