Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.

[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?

me: self-quarantine

interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000

me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

Today I learned that you’re supposed to pee on a jellyfish sting and NOT a jelly stain. So my apologies to the lady at Dunkin this morning. I was only trying to help

Skills

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”

“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”

— Polite vampires.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex

ME: lol

JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby

ME: what

JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again

ME: stop