“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
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Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”