“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
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I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
181.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
translated into Canadian
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.