you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
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[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team