you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
You can get away with having a large pile of dirty clothes easily, if you put a sign on top of them that sais ”Experiment”
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR