you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
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[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Rambo Rambow
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
awesome draft from months ago i just found
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.