Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days

me: *getting murdered*

wait.. did you wash your hands?

It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.

Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”

Me: “Got it.”

*shits pants*