You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
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estão todos miauvindo?
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
The smoothest fall of all time
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.