You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
You Might Also Like
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
This trial is so absurd 😭
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
monday
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”