Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.

There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Why would I want to fund a crowd?

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

Aww My microbiome is craving some fermented fruit? Perhaps some kombucha? I don’t care. I’m the macrobiome I’ll drink a Fanta lemon if I want to. I’ll swallow coins.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!

-Librarians arguing

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

A choir of Spring onions

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Me: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: I’ve got to go away

Him: Baby it’s cold outside

Me: Just let me go!

Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?

I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th

Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.