You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
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M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
The booster protects against what, now?
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
*being escorted off the flight I purchased with swear jar money*
I said, “I love expletives. EXPLETIVES!”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside