you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
no one:
my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,