Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!

Losers.

Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

[in line for coffee]

Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-

Barista: NEXT!

Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado

Me (in my head): god dammit

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Me when I try to be useful

People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together

I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night

You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat