Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.

A rat. A rat is what.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

She says, the kids want to go to the circus.

I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

is this store having a stroke wtf

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Finally

if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts

100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.

Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’

Simple enough.

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.