You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
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I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
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*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.