you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Lmao
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
lmao
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.