you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
You are what you delete.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.