Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.

But the haters are really getting to me.

1/

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.

TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.

Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere

Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

WTF IS AN ACRONYM

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*

Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home

Me: I’m sorr…

*A sippy cup starts crying*

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder