you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover