You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Otters drive ottermobiles.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
How software testing works
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it鈥檚 gonna be close
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I鈥檓 autoimmune
Valentine鈥檚 Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I鈥檇 say listening is my biggest weakness.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That鈥檚 gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
My 7yo said that boys were bothering her at school so she yelled math problems at them until they went away.
I have mad respect for this strategy 馃檶
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don鈥檛 have kids
me: that鈥檚 not luck that鈥檚 on purpose
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Me: I鈥檒l take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma鈥檃m, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My kids think I鈥檓 going to miss them when they leave for college, but I鈥檒l be busy drinking my coffee while it鈥檚 still hot.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
