You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
Dammit Chief not again
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.