You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Ha
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.