You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
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mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend