You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Those are good neighbors.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.