Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

9: Can I rent an otter?

Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: OH NO

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶

I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”

All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.

[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive

Unhappy with work? Have a child.

Now you love work.

My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there

“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”

~me, never

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.